There are moments when I look at the news, browse social media or read a newspaper and become overwhelmed by the images and headlines that I am viewing, especially in Trinidad and Tobago. I often think, what is the world coming to? If I experience these strong feelings as an adult how are our children coping with the images that bombard them? I came across this article and felt compelled to share given the current climate the world is in. By Carolyn Crist August 14 Parents wondering how to talk to their children about tragedies such as natural disasters and terrorist attacks have a new resource to help them, published online in the medical journal JAMA Pediatrics. “There have been a lot of changes in how we receive news and the types of news we receive, which has impacted the information that kids are exposed to,” said Megan Moreno, a pediatrician and adolescent medicine specialist at Seattle Children’s Hospital, who wrote the one-page primer intended for parents and other adults. “Families used to sit together to watch the evening news, which was generated by professional journalists and filtered carefully,” Moreno said. “Now we receive news on our phones, and there are no filters.” News is always bombarding us, even on channels we may not expect — such as social media, where children spend their time, she added. “You may log onto Facebook to look at cute cats or funny videos and then see a tragic news story,” she said. “This has impacted how adults interact with news, and it’s important to step back and think about kids as well.” The primer explains that adults can help their children by being a calm presence, reassuring them about safety, maintaining a routine and spending extra time together. It’s fine for children to see adults be sad or cry and for families to express their feelings together, though intense emotions may be tougher for children to handle. Tragedies may also present a good time for families to discuss emergency plans and ways they could help survivors and their families. “It’s always important to talk to kids when things are upsetting them, even if there isn’t a crisis event or big story in the news at the moment,” said David Schonfeld of the University of Southern California. Schonfeld, who wasn’t involved with the patient page, researches the best ways to support grieving children. “In the aftermath of a major event, people are focused on the event itself and less on how to talk to kids,” he said. “You have more energy and capacity to consider how you should approach the discussions when you’re not struggling with the content yourself.” Regardless of the children’s age, the best way to start is by asking what they already know, the patient page says. Parents may be surprised what kids hear elsewhere or what misconceptions may be picked up. Listen carefully and ask what questions they have; respond honestly, and avoid speculating about what might happen next. Most important, listen for underlying fears, and remind children that they’re safe and that it’s fine for them to be bothered. “What we’ve found is that kids are often worried about something you wouldn’t anticipate,” Schonfeld said. “Adults habituate to upsetting daily news, and kids often don’t.” For younger children, the patient page suggests, graphic images and sounds in news media coverage can be frightening, and having a discussion may be better than showing the news. Young kids may ask more questions about safety and need help separating fantasy from reality. They may also become clingy or regress to such behaviors as wetting the bed or thumb-sucking. Be patient and support children as they process the information. With older children and teenagers, it may be impossible to avoid news exposure. Older kids may ask more questions about the tragedy itself, the recovery efforts and the causes of the event. At all ages, children who have difficulty coping may have sleep problems, physical complaints such as headache or stomachache, behavioral changes such as acting less mature or being less patient, and mental-health changes such as heightened sadness, depression or anxiety. If you are concerned, talk to your child’s pediatrician. “We need to talk about what worries them,” Schonfeld said. “If we don’t, we won’t be considered a credible source with additional worries in the future.” — Reuters
I was once asked by a client, struggling to befriend her anger, if I ever became angry. To be honest, many do not think psychotherapists become angry, as there is often the perception that we are always cool and collected. This is not the case. Anger is a natural human emotion that I too experience and actively work on befriending it. Allowing yourself to experience it for what it is; an emotion not constant state of being. For me personally, recognizing my triggers is a vital part of accepting this misunderstood emotion. Know what healthy habits can calm you down such as walking, breathing or meditating so that you can control how you respond to yourself and others. Take a look at a great article from the American Psychological Association below to get some wonderful tips to not only understand anger but how to befriend it. Controlling anger before it controls you Introduction We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger. What Is Anger?The Nature of Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline. Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings. Expressing Anger The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us. People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships. Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt." Anger Management The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions. Are You Too Angry?There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion. Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill. People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake. What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered , and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications. Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation. It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge. Strategies to Keep Anger at Bay Relaxation Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques. Some simple steps you can try:
Cognitive Restructuring Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away. Problem Solving Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem. Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away. Better Communication Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one. Using Humor"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation. The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them! When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression. What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh. Changing Your Environment Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them. Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments. Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm. Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train. Do You Need Counseling?If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior. When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used. What About Assertiveness Training?It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations. Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run. How often do you feel like giving up on yourself? How many times have you thought, "I am not good enough." How many times have you compared yourself to others and think, "it must be me", "Why can't I have what they have?" Do you throw your hands up in despair and frustration? I can, for sure say that this has happened to me a few times in my life. While doing some group work with a few young boys, I was amazed at how low self esteem, negative self talk and comparing yourself with others, can have such a detrimental impact on someone. What started out as a simple pottery making activity to explore their creativity, became a session on building self esteem and the importance of positive thinking and self talk; "I think I can". One of my boys, had a complete melt down when he could not get his bowl just right and would say to himself and others that he couldn't do it, or that he is not good enough. He wanted what others had, even if his bowl was actually well done. It was his perception of what he deemed as good and it was definitely wasn't what he was able to do. It was also interesting, that although he received praise from the other boys, he was still engaging in that negative self talk and was unable to move forward. I was able to bring this to the boys' attention and have a really good session however, this group, was a good example of how we often treat ourselves, and talk to ourselves. We hardly wake up in the morning saying "yes I can", we often say "why do I even have to do this", or "I don't want to do this", not only for fear of failure, but also for fear that we might be criticized or ridiculed for what we attempt to do. We then avoid or procrastinate, all the while engaging in negative self talk, and comparisons with others which does not feed our minds or self esteem. Nothing is more important than how you feel and think about yourself, so today, if you have answered YES to many of the questions raised in this post, take some time and look at the 12 steps for building self esteem. You deserve to know your worth and awesome power. 1. Say stop to your inner critic. A good place to start with raising your self-esteem is by learning how to handle and to replace the voice of your own inner critic. We all have an inner critic. It can spur you on to get things done or to do things to gain acceptance from the people in your life. But at the same time it will drag your self-esteem down. This inner voice whispers or shouts destructive thoughts in your mind. Thoughts like for example:
One way to do so is simply to say stop whenever the critic pipes up in your mind. You can do this by creating a stop-word or stop-phrase. As the critic says something – in your mind – shout: STOP! Or use my favorite: No, no, no, we are not going there! Or come up with a phrase or word that you like that stops the train of the thought driven by the inner critic. Then refocus your thoughts to something more constructive. Like planning what you want to eat for dinner or your tactic for the next soccer game. In the long run it also helps a lot to find better ways to motivate yourself than listening to your inner critic. So let’s move on to that… 2. Use healthier motivation habits. To make the inner critic less useful for yourself and that voice weaker and at the same time motivate yourself to take action and raise your self-esteem it is certainly helps to have healthy motivation habits. A few that I have used to replace and fill up much of the place that the inner critic once held in my mind are these:
3. Take a 2 minute self-appreciation break. This is a very simple and fun habit. And if you spend just two minutes on it every day for a month then it can make huge difference. Here’s what you do: Take a deep breath, slow down and ask yourself this question: what are 3 things I can appreciate about myself? A few examples that have come up when I have used to this exercise are that I:
Maybe just that you listened fully for a few minutes to someone who needed it today. That you took a healthy walk or bike ride after work. That you are a caring and kind person in many situations. These short breaks do not only build self-esteem in the long run but can also turn a negative mood around and reload you with a lot of positive energy again. 4. Write down 3 things in the evening that you can appreciate about yourself. This is a variation of the habit above and combining the two of them can be extra powerful for two boosts in self-esteem a day. Or you may simply prefer to use this variation at the end of your day when you have some free time for yourself to spare. What you do is to ask yourself the question from the last section: What are 3 things I can appreciate about myself? Write down your answers every evening in a journal made out of paper or on your computer/smart phone. A nice extra benefit of writing it down is that after a few weeks you can read through all the answers to get a good self-esteem boost and change in perspective on days when you may need it the most. 5. Do the right thing. When you do what you deep down think is the right thing to do then you raise and strengthen your self-esteem. It might be a small thing like getting up from the couch and going to the gym. It could be to be understanding instead of judgmental in a situation. Or to stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus on the opportunities and gratitude for what you actually have. It is not always easy to do. Or even to know what the right thing is. But keeping a focus on it and doing it as best you can makes big difference both in the results you get and for how you think about yourself. One tip that makes it easier to stay consistent with doing the right thing is to try to take a few such actions early in the day. Like for example giving someone a compliment, eating a healthy breakfast and working out. This sets the tone for the rest of your day. 6. Replace the perfectionism. Few thought habits can be so destructive in daily life as perfectionism. It can paralyze you from taking action because you become so afraid of not living up to some standard. And so you procrastinate and you do not get the results you want. This will make your self-esteem sink. Or you take action but are never or very rarely satisfied with what you accomplished and your own performance. And so your opinion and feelings about yourself become more and more negative and your motivation to take action plummets. How can you overcome perfectionism? A few things that really helped me are:
If you go outside of your comfort zone, if you try to accomplish anything that is truly meaningful then you will stumble and fall along the way. And that is OK. It is normal. It is what people that did something that truly mattered have done throughout all ages. Even if we don’t always hear about it as much as we hear about their successes. So remember that. And when you stumble try this:
When you are kinder towards others you tend to treat and think of yourself in a kinder way too. And the way you treat other people is how they tend to treat you in the long run. So focus on being kind in your daily life. You can for example:
When you try something new, when you challenge yourself in a small or bigger way and go outside of your comfort zone then your opinion of yourself goes up. You may not have done whatever you did in a spectacular or great way but you at least tried instead of sitting on your hands and doing nothing. And that is something to appreciate about yourself and it can help you come alive as you get out of a rut. So go outside of your comfort zone regularly. Don’t expect anything, just tell yourself that you will try something out. And then later on you can do the same thing a few more times and improve your own performance. And as always, if it feels too scary or uncomfortable then don’t beat yourself up. Take a smaller step forward instead by gently nudging yourself into motion. 10. Stop falling into the comparison trap. When you compare your life, yourself and what you have to other people’s lives and what they have then you have destructive habit on your hands. Because you can never win. There is always someone who has more or is better than you at something in the world. There are always people ahead of you. So replace that habit with something better. Look at how far you have come so far instead. Compare yourself to yourself. Focus on you. On your results. And on how you can and how you have improved your results. This will both motivate you and raise your self-esteem. 11. Spend more time with supportive people (and less time with destructive people). Even if you focus on being kinder towards other people (and yourself) and on replacing a perfectionism habit it will be hard to keep your self-esteem up if the most important influences in your life drag it down on a daily or weekly basis. So make changes in the input you get. Choose to spend less time with people who are nervous perfectionists, unkind or unsupportive of your dreams or goals. And spend more time with positive, uplifting people who have more human and kinder standards and ways of thinking about things. And think about what you read, listen to and watch too. Spend less time on an internet forum, with reading a magazine or watching a TV-show if you feel it makes you unsure of yourself and if it makes you feel more negatively towards yourself. Then spend the time you used to spend on this information source on for example reading books, blogs, websites and listening to podcasts that help you and that make you feel good about yourself. 12. Remember the whys of high self-esteem. What is a simple way to stay consistent with doing something? As mentioned above: to remember the most important reasons why you are doing it. So remind yourself of the whys at the start of this article to help yourself to stay motivated to work on your self-esteem and to make it an essential priority. http://www.positivityblog.com/improve-self-esteem/ |
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July 2020
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